Dear Readers, Please keep in mind I am on a journey as I travel through life. I try to keep my eyes open and naturally my perspective will change with my varying vantage points and my reflection on experiences. That’s why I blog: to process my thoughts. I don’t write as a spokesperson for any organization or person other than myself. Like most people, I have an interior idealized image of myself — and this is sometimes a guide, sometimes an illusion, sometimes a marker with which I compare who I am in this moment. I also have a growing awareness of who I am in Christ. And I try to be very current with who I am in terms of my manifestation of all that I am.
Through writing I try to be as aware and as honest with myself as I possibly can. So there will be “inconsistencies” in what I say from time to time. I wrestle with ideas, feelings, perspectives, choices. I tend to think this is a good thing. Sometimes I get stuck in a rut. Sometimes that “rut” is a deep canyon of grief, or the cavern of depression. Sometimes I get stuck in the quagmire of unprocessed anger. Once in a while I even get “stuck” or more like lost in the desert of asceticism.
I’m learning to be gentle with myself even in seeing how prone I am to getting stuck. I find that being patient with myself, I tend to heal more deeply. When I push myself out of a stuck-state too aggressively, I often need to re-visit the inner process that led me to the murk or the dark or the desert of my soul’s terrain. I’m learning to allow myself my own rhythms. I realize this is a type of luxury many can’t afford. I am very grateful I can allow myself to enjoy this gift of self-patience, acceptance, trust, at this time.